Lost To Me

Arthur Kirkland was readying himself for the concert, he was trying to excite himself for the main event, Francis, Gilbert and Antonio were in their own rooms getting ready as he lightly applied his own make up, giving himself dark eye liner and spraying his hair red with temporary dye. He glanced in the mirror, hoping to have achieved the desired effect, he nodded to himself and realised he looked the part. It was a huge concert to the group, they were finally making it big Arthur tried to smile at himself in the mirror but his mouth didn’t even twitch, he sighed before standing. Pulling on his tight leather clothes and clipping in his fake piercings, three on his left and four on his right ear plus a lip ring. He knew he was ready for the concert; he looked like the rock artist he had always dreamed he would be, and that’s what his fans would remain to believe.

Someone rapped on the door and his head turned to the noise. “Five minutes Kirkland” The stage hand said from behind the wooden door and then faded into the madness of backstage, Arthur glanced once more at the mirror then took a steady breath and grabbed the door handle, wrenching it open to the noise and chaos outside. It was noisy and hectic but he was used to it, soon he was ushered into the wings of the stage where his band mates were waiting. He decidedly ignored each one of them and had been for some months now, the only communication they had was bare necessities, they had tried to interact but Arthur cut the off completely.

A well kempt hand landed on his shoulder and he turned to look at the soft bearded French man, his face was apologetic and worried, and he gazed at him enquiringly. “You don’t have to go on mon amour” His oft accented voice said to him, Arthur glared at him and pulled away his shoulder with annoyance.

“I’m fine” He said brashly, his face guarded, then walked tall as he moved onto stage. The crowd roared as Arthur strode onto the stage, he was the lead singer and guitarist, he leaped about with a massive grin on his face before he reached the mike, he grabbed it haphazardly. “Hello, London!” He yelled at them all, they cheered and it echoed all around them, Arthur revelled in their cheers. “You guys ready to rock!” He shouted again, there was a massive response from the spectators, there were flashes of hundreds of cameras and they blinded Arthur as they all blared around the stadium. “So we are going to start with our number one hit! The bad touch trio!” He then strummed on his guitar, letting his strumming hand whirl in the air and the stadium for that moment went quiet. Then Gilbert joined in on the drums and Francis started to sing and play his own guitar, Antonio following on the bass, Arthur’s hand lowered and he started playing for real, singing the words he had known so well now in his head.

Time seemed endless and yet fleeting while they were on the stage, they blared through songs quickly, but to Arthur they seemed to go an age. He wasn’t totally with it while he was on stage that night, and he felt that it showed, his usual chatty demeanour with his fans was next to nothing, and his happy go-lucky stage presence was non-existent. All he did was try and make everyone happy, like he had been doing these past few months.

Lately he hadn’t really been living, merely existing, he barely spoke to anyone anymore, he didn’t talk to his band mates and his family were out of the loop. Any friends he may have had he alienated them, and now he was completely and utterly alone, no one person was there to comfort him, he was fine with that. It was half way through there penultimate song when Arthur saw him. That blue eyed beauty with golden hair, he was standing right at the front of the stage staring at him with adoring eyes, and a soft smile on his perfect face. Arthur nearly choked and he stopped singing and playing all together, Francis and Antonio looked at him warily from where they stood, they continued to play and Antonio took over the singing whilst Arthur tried to gather his thoughts.

He stared at the man who was too perfect, and his heart swelled with so much love he could barely contain it, he smiled for the first time in a long time and then let the song slowly finish before moving to the mike again. He took the whole thing in his hands and pulled it from its stand, he walked closer to the front of the stage where the man continued to stare at him and he started to speak to the crowd, they had become slightly quiet as the music from one song ended and Arthur moved across the stage. “I have a new song” He told them, his eyes however were fixated on those dazzling blue ones throughout. “I wrote it quite recently, so excuse my band if they are slow to play with me” He turned and told them the cords, then asked Gilbert to set up a slow beat of the drums, Arthur didn’t start playing yet but the soft sound of the guitars set up the mood for him. “It is quite different from any of my usual songs, but, I hope that you enjoy it anyway” His voice had a sharp edge to it and he moved slowly back to the mike stand, resting it in its place he started to play along with them.

The strumming was slow, very different from their normal rock music, and the audience had been silenced in confusion, even the band were looking at him confused. He just smiled at them; he was, for that one moment, complacent. Francis was shocked by the look on his face and looked to Antonio with worry, he shrugged and just continued to play, they all caught each other’s eyes and they knew something was different, something was wrong with Arthur. Then Arthur approached the stand and started singing, his voice was soft and slow and reverberated around the full stadium, everyone seemed at awe by the lead singer known for heavy rock music, his voice showed that he could adapt and change. “The hope is fading from my lips, when I kissed you with goodbye and when you let go of our last embrace please just look me in the eye. Secret’s out, that I might just care about you, you saved me, you left me there’s nothing I can do” He sung so beautifully that the crowd was captivated as they watched him so carefully, trying to interpret the words he sang and just why this was the closing song he chose.

Arthur continued. “I’ll find a way to close the door I want to say so much more but, I found you once, you’re lost again. Two thousand miles took what could have been” Arthur’s eyes began to sheen, they shimmered with unshed tears but they did not fall. Francis, Gilbert and Antonio all knew now, they all knew who and what they were playing for now and even for them it was hard. Francis couldn’t bear to sing along with him, his own hands were shaking as he played along, whilst Antonio was already crying and tried to stop his tears from being too obvious. “I don’t want to, won’t let myself I have to realize, this might be, this could be, This is goodbye, this is goodbye” Arthur’s voice was pitched perfectly as he sang those last few words, his voice shook slightly but he played for a short instrumental, the man with the blue eyes clapped him and he was spurred onwards to continue. When the boy pulled himself on stage Arthur found himself a little more able to continue, he moved closer to the mike again and started the second verse. “The smile fate was wearing, slowly dies, minutes turn to months, and silence of the world just mocks my cry when I know that you’ve just gone. Secret’s out that I did care about you, you saved me, you left me there was nothing I could do” His eyes finally gave up and slow tears started falling, he just smiled through them and let his body relieve the tears he held back for so long. Francis was reassured if not terrified to see his best friend cry, it was so unlike Arthur that even he started to shed some tears, he couldn’t help himself when a song so beautiful was being played, and for such a heart breaking reason. “I’ll find a way to close the door I want to say so much more but, I found you once, you’re lost again two thousand miles took what could have been. I don’t want to, won’t let myself I have to realize, this might be, this could be” Arthur shook his head in acknowledge meant as he finished those words and started the next ones, he said it with more force than before. “This is goodbye, this is goodbye”

All this time that smiling man had been walking closer to him, his face so peaceful and so happy and Arthur let him get so close to him, and when he started to sing the reprieve he only stared at him. “And you always cross my mind cause you’re all that I have I can’t believe how unfair life is sometimes. Find a way to close the door and be okay with nothing more but found you once, you’re lost again, two thousand miles took what could have been” Arthur stopped and stared at those eyes before they started to fade from his vision, and the smile wavered slightly, Arthur let out a sob into the mike before he sang the last few words with a soft cry.

“I don’t want to, won’t let myself I have to realize, this might be, this could be” And then the figure voiced the words before he could sing them.

“This is goodbye” And he faded from his vision, Arthur’s face scrunched in pain and loss, and he let out a long cry before his body shook and fell, the mike hit the floor with an echoing bang. He started to let his sorrow out and he couldn’t stop crying, the playing of the guitar and drums stopped and the audience looked on in pain and anguish, not understanding at all but feeling the emotions all the same. Many of them were crying and looked in just as much pain as Arthur, some of them feeling the same loss that he was feeling. Francis leaned down to pick Arthur up and he cried only harder gripping his arm as he tried to right himself, Antonio met him on the other side and the both lifted the broken man from the floor.

Arthur shouted to the space where his love once stood a sound that was so full of anguish and an incomprehensible pain, an empty cry to the nothingness that pushed back at him. “Alfred!” His voice was broken and Francis and Antonio dragged him off the stage as he tried to fight back onto it, they soon pulled him off and he was moved to his dressing room, where cries were heard through till the morning.

Arthur Kirkland retired from his singing career, it was only just starting to boom but he left it all and wasn’t heard from again. It was as though he vanished himself, the other members tried it on their own but found that Arthur was a pivotal member of their group; some made solo careers of themselves and moved onwards. An interview with Francis Bonnefoy twenty years after that concert told us that Arthur Kirkland was dead, that he couldn’t move on from the loss of his lover Alfred F. Jones and had been found five years later a completely wrecked body, filled with needle holes, drugs and deep wounds all over his arms. They had tried to help him but he had refused anything from them, that concert was the last time Arthur had ever sang and from then on it was a downward spiral into oblivion.

Francis smiled at the end of the interview and his eyes were glazed as though remembering something happy before he spoke. “We all deal with death differently, I myself and many others have suffered loss and were able to move on. But Arthur Kirkland was such a caring man with such a big heart, that this hit him so hard, the man he had loved so tenderly was seen to him as the only one who could ever love him” He then sighed sadly. “Arthur died believing that, at least now he is with Alfred in another life. I truly believe they are meant to be with one another, they were soul mates” He smiled once. “They’ll be fine”