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Hetalia: Just the Way You Are
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Literature Text
Prologue
Inadvertently he had become my one and only friend, and he was miles away where he couldn't even help me when I was down. I felt so lonely that nothing seemed to have any colour anymore, my face was always turned down in a permanent frown, and I couldn't find any energy left to smile anymore. I guess this always happened to people like me so it wasn't unnatural that this was occurring, there wasn't much I could really do about it either. Had to push on through, push on past the bad, keep on surviving, one step forward.
I just really wished I had at least one person who cared about me, one person to tell me you're great and I love you, so don't do anything stupid. There was no one like that, not anywhere and that is why I simply couldn't face the world anymore. I looked down at the swirling water beneath me and realised how it welcomed me, how it taunted me. Oh god was I scared!
My hands were losing their hold and I let my grip fail, let myself be tipped forwards by the wind and my own faltering balance. I closed my eyes and let gravity pull me and my body become free. Soon I was falling through the air and it was the most liberating thing in the world, like I was flying. After what felt like lifetimes but was probably seconds my body hit the ice cold water below. The water began to batter and pull at my body, pulling me forwards and downward, sloshing me this way and that causing my body to hit the large concretes walls of the bridge, causing the last breath in my body to be expelled by force. Then the water came flooding into my lungs and my vision dimmed and my body grew limp.
I was in a white abyss, no one could hurt me here, I was safe I was untouchable. I laughed and the echo was infinite, it carried on through the nothingness forever and ever. I felt so free floating here, and I finally felt a little drop of peace, I had always wondered what freedom and happiness felt like. I was there for years and minutes I wasn't even aware of time anymore. Soon noises caught me in my emptiness. Quiet distant noises but no matter which way I looked I couldn't see them.
A small quiet sobbing broke through my white world, and it made my heart hurt. "Arthur, please don't leave me" The voice echoed around my cavern, and I couldn't find it. There was no person to that voice, but it enticed me, it intrigued me and oddly it felt incredibly familiar.
Inadvertently he had become my one and only friend, and he was miles away where he couldn't even help me when I was down. I felt so lonely that nothing seemed to have any colour anymore, my face was always turned down in a permanent frown, and I couldn't find any energy left to smile anymore. I guess this always happened to people like me so it wasn't unnatural that this was occurring, there wasn't much I could really do about it either. Had to push on through, push on past the bad, keep on surviving, one step forward.
I just really wished I had at least one person who cared about me, one person to tell me you're great and I love you, so don't do anything stupid. There was no one like that, not anywhere and that is why I simply couldn't face the world anymore. I looked down at the swirling water beneath me and realised how it welcomed me, how it taunted me. Oh god was I scared!
My hands were losing their hold and I let my grip fail, let myself be tipped forwards by the wind and my own faltering balance. I closed my eyes and let gravity pull me and my body become free. Soon I was falling through the air and it was the most liberating thing in the world, like I was flying. After what felt like lifetimes but was probably seconds my body hit the ice cold water below. The water began to batter and pull at my body, pulling me forwards and downward, sloshing me this way and that causing my body to hit the large concretes walls of the bridge, causing the last breath in my body to be expelled by force. Then the water came flooding into my lungs and my vision dimmed and my body grew limp.
I was in a white abyss, no one could hurt me here, I was safe I was untouchable. I laughed and the echo was infinite, it carried on through the nothingness forever and ever. I felt so free floating here, and I finally felt a little drop of peace, I had always wondered what freedom and happiness felt like. I was there for years and minutes I wasn't even aware of time anymore. Soon noises caught me in my emptiness. Quiet distant noises but no matter which way I looked I couldn't see them.
A small quiet sobbing broke through my white world, and it made my heart hurt. "Arthur, please don't leave me" The voice echoed around my cavern, and I couldn't find it. There was no person to that voice, but it enticed me, it intrigued me and oddly it felt incredibly familiar.
This is my new story, and it is going to be based around Germany x Italy and UK x US and their journey through life and their relationship troubles.
If i get enough response i would like to continue it, although it won't be for a while as i am still writing US x UK: The Demon Within.
This is only short but the rest of the chapters will be much longer.
If i get enough response i would like to continue it, although it won't be for a while as i am still writing US x UK: The Demon Within.
This is only short but the rest of the chapters will be much longer.
© 2012 - 2024 jillyred
Comments19
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Hi there! Obviously I'm AmericaEngland from Tumblr xD
Okay so without further ado, let's get started!
Okay, the first paragraph then. I know 'one and only' is a common phrase but the two words are basically the same and therefore don't both need to be in the sentence together. The sentence itself is also phrased weirdly. I would probably eliminate the 'where he couldn't...down' bit. The fact that he's miles away already implies that he can't easily come to the rescue. Plus, sometimes having a short, eye-catching sentence at the beginning of a fic (especially in a prologue) is better than trying to explain things that readers can probably figure out on their own anyway! Those kinds of sentences pack a punch and get people interested/curious about what else you've got to say.
As for the next sentence, I would definitely use a semi-colon in there, so that it looks something like 'I felt so lonely that nothing seemed to have any color anymore. My face was always turned down in a permanent frown; I couldn't find any energy left to smile anymore.' Semi-colons are really awesome, so make sure to use them! They're used to basically connect two sentences of the same idea together into one (I'm sure you know that but you never know xD). But yeah they're a lot nicer than using a ton of commas.
The third sentence could use the same treatment: comma after 'me,' semi-colon between 'occurring' and 'there,' and a comma after 'it.'
Fourth sentence I would place a 'We' before your 'had,' because you just got done talking about 'people like me' so kind of connects one idea to the next. And I would probably make 'one step forward' its own sentence.
Next paragraph (first sentence), I think you need single quotations for 'you're great' and 'I love you, so don't do anything stupid.'
Next sentence looks kind of like a disaster (too many commas I think). Eliminate 'not anywhere' because it's redundant.
Third sentence is good grammatically but aesthetically it looks a little weird --probably the two 'how's lol. Maybe try something like 'I looked down at the swirling water beneath me --how it welcomed me, how it taunted me!' Dashes are a lot of fun and can be used in place of commas sometimes, like the semi-colon. Especially if you want to emphasize a part of your sentence.
Third paragraph, first sentence is fine. Sometimes what you did with it doesn't work (like if you do it too often), but it works here. And by that I mean the commas. You want the pace of the reading to start picking up as he starts to fall, because it's getting more dramatic.
I would just end your second sentence after 'me'...maybe add 'down' after 'me' to make it 'pull me down.' That sentence needs to have some finality to it because he's making the choice to let go and he can't take it back, yanno?
Third sentence just get rid of 'soon' and you've got it.
I don't like how you started your fourth sentence...what about 'the fall only lasted seconds, but to me it felt like a lifetime until my body finally hit the ice cold water.' I get the need for the comparison between seconds and lifetimes but it just didn't read well the way you had it.
Next sentence you use 'pull' twice, which doesn't read very well. I would probably just take out 'pulling me forward and downward' and add an 'and' between 'that' and 'causing,' so that the sentence reads like this: 'the water began to batter and pull at my body, sloshing me this way and that and causing my body to hit the large concrete walls of the bridge.' Then I would put 'causing the last breath...force' in a new sentence by itself. Using two 'causing's in a sentence doesn't read well.
Same with the last sentence (too many ands this time instead of causings). Just put 'my body grew limp' in it's own sentence for emphasis and you've got it.
Next paragraph is another instance in which you should use a semi-colon or dash. I would change it to 'I was in a white abyss where no one could hurt me --I was safe, untouchable.'
Take out the 'it' in the next sentence (keep the comma). The bit about 'forever and ever' is repetitive but it doesn't kill the sentence so yeah.
'Free floating' should be 'free-floating.' I would take out 'and I finally...peace' and replace the comma with a semi-colon.
Dash between 'minutes' and 'I.'
Next sentence is really awkward. What if you were just plain blunt and said 'I soon became aware of noises in the distance, and no matter which way I looked I couldn't figure out what they were or where they were coming from.'
'Small' and 'quiet' are pretty synonymous in this case and you only really need one descriptor. I'd go with quiet, because 'small sobbing' doesn't sound right. And eliminate 'A' in the beginning of the sentence. You can even make 'and it made...hurt' its own sentence if you want, though it's not necessary.
As a rule of thumb, if there are double quotations then it should be in a new paragraph (for the most part). There should be a comma after 'me' and before the end quote. I would just go ahead and make 'the voice' and onward into a new paragraph as well. That will emphasize the dialogue (the only dialogue in this chapter). So for the rest I would just do something like 'The voice echoed around in the whiteness. There was no person behind it, but it enticed me and, oddly enough, felt incredibly familiar.' That would take care of the redundancies and the extra commas!
I hope that was helpful!
Okay so without further ado, let's get started!
Okay, the first paragraph then. I know 'one and only' is a common phrase but the two words are basically the same and therefore don't both need to be in the sentence together. The sentence itself is also phrased weirdly. I would probably eliminate the 'where he couldn't...down' bit. The fact that he's miles away already implies that he can't easily come to the rescue. Plus, sometimes having a short, eye-catching sentence at the beginning of a fic (especially in a prologue) is better than trying to explain things that readers can probably figure out on their own anyway! Those kinds of sentences pack a punch and get people interested/curious about what else you've got to say.
As for the next sentence, I would definitely use a semi-colon in there, so that it looks something like 'I felt so lonely that nothing seemed to have any color anymore. My face was always turned down in a permanent frown; I couldn't find any energy left to smile anymore.' Semi-colons are really awesome, so make sure to use them! They're used to basically connect two sentences of the same idea together into one (I'm sure you know that but you never know xD). But yeah they're a lot nicer than using a ton of commas.
The third sentence could use the same treatment: comma after 'me,' semi-colon between 'occurring' and 'there,' and a comma after 'it.'
Fourth sentence I would place a 'We' before your 'had,' because you just got done talking about 'people like me' so kind of connects one idea to the next. And I would probably make 'one step forward' its own sentence.
Next paragraph (first sentence), I think you need single quotations for 'you're great' and 'I love you, so don't do anything stupid.'
Next sentence looks kind of like a disaster (too many commas I think). Eliminate 'not anywhere' because it's redundant.
Third sentence is good grammatically but aesthetically it looks a little weird --probably the two 'how's lol. Maybe try something like 'I looked down at the swirling water beneath me --how it welcomed me, how it taunted me!' Dashes are a lot of fun and can be used in place of commas sometimes, like the semi-colon. Especially if you want to emphasize a part of your sentence.
Third paragraph, first sentence is fine. Sometimes what you did with it doesn't work (like if you do it too often), but it works here. And by that I mean the commas. You want the pace of the reading to start picking up as he starts to fall, because it's getting more dramatic.
I would just end your second sentence after 'me'...maybe add 'down' after 'me' to make it 'pull me down.' That sentence needs to have some finality to it because he's making the choice to let go and he can't take it back, yanno?
Third sentence just get rid of 'soon' and you've got it.
I don't like how you started your fourth sentence...what about 'the fall only lasted seconds, but to me it felt like a lifetime until my body finally hit the ice cold water.' I get the need for the comparison between seconds and lifetimes but it just didn't read well the way you had it.
Next sentence you use 'pull' twice, which doesn't read very well. I would probably just take out 'pulling me forward and downward' and add an 'and' between 'that' and 'causing,' so that the sentence reads like this: 'the water began to batter and pull at my body, sloshing me this way and that and causing my body to hit the large concrete walls of the bridge.' Then I would put 'causing the last breath...force' in a new sentence by itself. Using two 'causing's in a sentence doesn't read well.
Same with the last sentence (too many ands this time instead of causings). Just put 'my body grew limp' in it's own sentence for emphasis and you've got it.
Next paragraph is another instance in which you should use a semi-colon or dash. I would change it to 'I was in a white abyss where no one could hurt me --I was safe, untouchable.'
Take out the 'it' in the next sentence (keep the comma). The bit about 'forever and ever' is repetitive but it doesn't kill the sentence so yeah.
'Free floating' should be 'free-floating.' I would take out 'and I finally...peace' and replace the comma with a semi-colon.
Dash between 'minutes' and 'I.'
Next sentence is really awkward. What if you were just plain blunt and said 'I soon became aware of noises in the distance, and no matter which way I looked I couldn't figure out what they were or where they were coming from.'
'Small' and 'quiet' are pretty synonymous in this case and you only really need one descriptor. I'd go with quiet, because 'small sobbing' doesn't sound right. And eliminate 'A' in the beginning of the sentence. You can even make 'and it made...hurt' its own sentence if you want, though it's not necessary.
As a rule of thumb, if there are double quotations then it should be in a new paragraph (for the most part). There should be a comma after 'me' and before the end quote. I would just go ahead and make 'the voice' and onward into a new paragraph as well. That will emphasize the dialogue (the only dialogue in this chapter). So for the rest I would just do something like 'The voice echoed around in the whiteness. There was no person behind it, but it enticed me and, oddly enough, felt incredibly familiar.' That would take care of the redundancies and the extra commas!
I hope that was helpful!